Thursday, July 21, 2011

When you're physically inside of a heart, it doesn't look the same.

One time when i was walking home from school, i was attacked by this bald guy in a black van. Yeah, he was bald. He jumps out of his car and shoots me up with his tranquilizer gun. I instantly fall unconscious. When i wake up, i am hanging over a vat of boiling oil. "How did i get here? Where IS here?" I think to myself. First thing i do is i pull out my gangster switch blade. I cut the ropes holding me in place. Now that i think back on it, that is the stupidest thing i have ever done. I fall to my death into this vat of boiling oil, only to realize that it isn't oil at all! Well, it is. But its not boiling! It is actually quite cool. It is just bubbling. I get out of the oil just to see it catch on fire. Good timing on my part eh? I head over to the door marked exit (it has one of those green exit signs above it). I go outside to find myself in the heart of a chicken. Boy was i weirded out. First of all, i didn't know how i got there. Second, how did i even know it was a chicken heart in the first place? I don't know how i knew, but i just knew. You know? Anyways, i was dripping in oil, standing in the arteries of a chicken. What else can you do but jumping jacks? I did maybe 20 sets of 12. The chicken obviously didn't appreciate it, because i got thrown up before i even realized what was going on. How i got thrown up, i don't know. But it happened. I looked up to see the fowl beast, and i didn't see anything, so i looked down instead. There it was, maybe a foot tall. How the heck did i fit in that little thing? That i'll never know. My day was just getting weirder and weirder. There was no sign of the bald man, or his van anywhere. Lucky for me, i was just a block or two away from my house. I ran home and took a shower to get the oil off and to smell fancy. I don't like the smell of oil all over me. After that, my day was absolutely normal.

Thanks for reading this story.
-Sir Jared.

ps. Have you ever heard the song The Funeral by Band of Horses? Well you should listen to it. I'll post the song including a video of a guy doing cool bike tricks on my facebook. Its probably my favorite song right now.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Life isn't always good.

I'm a squib. Get that in your head, and don't ever bring it up. Its a touchy subject, and you might end up with bruised shins. No, my parents aren't magical, but that doesn't stop me from being a squib. I can be what i want. Plus, i am currently enrolled in Squaogwarts. Not to be mistaken for Hogwarts, the school for witchcraft and wizardry. But the school for squibcraft, and squizardry. There's quite a difference.
I can brew a pretty mean potion. I am well known at the school for being able to make any potion, at any time. I even make potions in my sleep. Don't ask me how, because my answer will simply be, I'm skilled. I can also talk to fish. Its called lesraptongue. I am the only person in all of the school that can do it.

-Sir Jared.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Irish drinking song

One mornin' when i woke up,
and i looked into my mirror,
I saw that i had no hair,
I thought i'd have a beer.
So then I went to the doctor,
He said "here's what we'll do",
He put some implants in,
Then i wore his shoe.

I look like Colin Mockory,
Handsome as handsome can be.
I kiss myself in the mirror,
Because i love bald me.
And then they put me under,
....They did it twice.
I thought that that was,
Awfully nice.

They drilled holes into my skin,
Then stuck in some hair,
They had to use a bit of a pin,
And virtually a bare.
And then he combed it to one side,
Then he looked at me,
He said "are you satisfied?",
"You're pretty as can be."

Oh, i'm a very handsome man,
The ladies love my paint.
They think that i'm Tom Celic,
They think i'm really great.
Well people scream and yell,
When i walk in through a door,
And when i come in to the room,
My pants fall on the floor.

This is from Whose Line Is It Anyway. And i think its really funny.
-Sir Jared.

Things you obviously don't know about me.

This is a list of 35 thing you probably don't know about me.
1. I am 3 of 4 kids that are from my parents being together, but if we're counting past marriages, i have 6 other older siblings. Which puts me at 9 of 10.
2. I am very good at pretending that i care what you're talking about. I'm a very good liar too.
3. I can grow some pretty dang cool sideburns. I am currently in the process right now.
4. I like to read. But only if its interesting to me. Which pretty much rules out a lot of English assignments.
5. Yes, my hair is really red for all those grandma's out there that think i'm faking it.
6. I have bigger feet than both my older brothers. Its pretty stylish.
7. My favorite color is dark blue.
8. Yes, i do like country music, for all those haters out there.
9. When i went to homecoming dance this last year, i wore suspenders, and a belt. I felt super classy.
10. I was born in San Diego California, lived there for a year, moved to Idaho for 3 years, then moved to Provo, where i am currently residing.
11. I'm attractive.
12. If i got a tattoo it would be the triforce on my left hand. The bottom left triangle, if not all three.
13. I have well above 113 hours on a pokemon game that i have on my DS. I am that devoted to "catching 'em all".
14. I like having long hair, mostly for the purpose of putting my hair in a pony-tail in the back. It makes me feel really awesome when i do.
15. I secretly want to shave my head bald, just to see what its like. But then have it all back the next day.
16. I know what you're thinking about number 15. You're thinking "No! Don't shave your beautiful locks of hair! I just simply couldn't go on with my life if you didn't have your flames of glory!"
17. I do in fact like vanilla ice cream over chocolate.
18. They based the song in Beauty and the Beast where they're singing in the bar about Gaston after me.
19. I've been to Hawaii. While i was there, it happened to be my 11th birthday. Lucky me eh?
20. I would choose Star Wars over Lord of the Rings. I'm sorry to anyone that is offended by that.
21. My favorite kind of pizza is bbq chicken.
22. 22 is my lucky/favorite number.
23. 23 is Jens' lucky/favorite number, so i don't like it very much. He's always trying to one up me. (:
24. I do doubt my friends honesty. You never know when someone could be lying to you.
26. If i could leave Utah, i would. I honestly don't like it here very much.
27. I have never read the full series of Harry Potter.
28. I like being cold over hot.
29. My favorite hair color on girls is dark brown. My favorite eye color is a tie between really really deep blue, and a lighter brown.
30. Every girl i can remember liking in high school has always been 5"5'. Weird eh?
31. I can do a lot of things with my face. Such as: Wiggle my ears, raise one eyebrow, cross both eyes, cross one eye, shake my eyes, wiggle my nose like a rabbit, move my eyebrows up and down really rapidly, and things like that.
32. My dream car is an Audi TT. Preferably dark blue convertible.
33. I like hot chocolate when its cold. Like, ice cold.
34. My favorite flavor of gum is Solstice. 5 gum.
35. I get on facebook probably 2-5 times a day to see if a certain someone is online. Yeah, i'm a stalker. Sue me.
36. I don't like to share my true personality with just anyone. If i'm really quiet around you, then you don't know me. Or, i'm just in a quiet mood. Which happens a lot.

You kind of know me better now. Doesn't it feel great?
-Sir Jared.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

More stories?

I'm debating with myself whether or not to write another series of short stories.
Would anyone like that?

Let me know what you think.
-Sir Jared.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Let's have an adventure.

Have you ever wondered what its like to be on the other side? I've heard that death is life's greatest adventure, and i've always been curious what its like. I don't mean i want to kill myself or anything, just that i want to know what its like to have a completely different perspective. Life can be a drag sometimes. Like, really bad. I bet on the other side, you're always having a good time, and you're always in the company of those you care about.

Thanks for reading, friends.
-Sir Jared.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I cleaned my shoes.

Seriously though, you just don't understand. I just like to have a pocket full of coins. Big coins, Little coins, Copper coins, Silver coins, foreign coins, you name it. I like them coins in my pocket.

I have Kelly Green shoes. I haven't even cleaned them once. When i put them on today, my thoughts were "Holy crap. My shoes are gross." So i took some clorox wipes and dominated my shoes. They are sparkling now. Like, they're clean beyond recognition. Really.

favorite song right now is 'Art of War' by Anberlin. Its very good.

I don't like your style. Get out of here.
-Sir Jared.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

I got some cash.

Yesterday was payday. $123.65. Yeah, i know. 20 cents less would have been a lot cooler. So here's the deal. I got paid $53.65 in wages, and $70 in tips. I got more money in tips than normal. Yeah, you could say i like my job.

I started out yesterday by doing some chores, then i went and picked up my check. It was such a beautiful thing. After that, i went to the bank and killed off all of but $20 which i kept for my pocket. 9 hours later i was down to $4. I went to Macey's and bought a celebratory Kong Kone, and $12 of fireworks. Then i went to rock canyon park and got frostbite. Then i went to the movie Fast Five. It was dang good. After that, i went and saw David Archuleta. i just partied. All day long.

Last night when i was going to bed, i listened to the album All Left Out. Its a pretty cool one. Anyways, my life is really good.
-Sir Jared.